In the bliss of her motherhood journey which newly had begun, she dreamt the loveliest dreams as she cuddled her baby in her arms. The girl child was the answer to her secret prayers to God. She felt immensely joyful admiring the innocent and cutest look of her baby girl. She dreamt of her tiny feet running on the floor, her curly hair adorned with clips & ribbons, her frilled frock swaying as she would walk, her lovely eyes gazing at her mother and her giggles & laugh echoing around the house as she would play with her brother and father. She imagined her family to be the happiest place in the world maybe, with two kids in her arms with no worry or fear; it seemed nothing but a splendid blessings from above.
The heartaches which were about to come her way were unknown. She was unprepared for the tempest she would face for endless days. She was unaware of the news which would rip her soul apart. She was naïve about the darkest night waiting to haunt her mind with fright. In the blink of an eye, her cutest & blissful moments with her baby were ruthlessly snatched away by the daunting news she never imagined in her wildest dreams to be true. Her once serene life was disturbed with frightening alarm and it seemed like it would never be peaceful again. Her finest dreams were crushed under the fear of this unknown route, leaving her in agony, in sobs, and in the harshest plight of her soul.
In a fraction of second, her life flipped from a beautiful castle to stormed rubble, leaving her with anguish, with a seizing & crying baby in her arms and awful pounding in her heart. It was heart wrenching too for her to carry her baby through the hospital corridors day after day for one or other test or procedure. Painful for her was to see the needle pricks on the little thighs, the merciless insertion of cannulas on the tiny hands and the numerous blood tests that followed every single week, taking every ounce of strength and life from her helpless baby.
How could a mother’s heart feel numb to the endless sufferings of her innocent child? All she wished was to have wings like an angel, to carry her baby away from all the pain and sickness to a quiet place where she would feel comfort, soothe and calm.
Her days, weeks, months and years were spent caring for her girl. Walking through the furnace of criticism, unacceptance and denial, her days filled with loneliness, silence and withdrawal as her life didn’t match with other mothers. Even if she wished to be one among all, her destiny chose her to stand apart. Her life was given the hardest mission to complete. She was sent on a journey which she never thought she would choose; she reached a destination which she never had expected! Only one choice was left to her: accept the destination with joy or accept it anyway.
There have been many times when she greeted the moon and the sun without a closed eyelid in between, some by hospital beds, some through prayerful tears and some with her seizing and crying baby on her lap. She cried, prayed & shed every bit of a tear she could at God’s feet until she felt solace and calm. Many times she begged God to heal her baby asking Him to alter His plan.
She spent her nights staring in the dark, she sacrificed her wishes, her comfort and the young years of life behind closed doors caring for her child, holding her in her arms, soothing her into a peaceful nap, feeding her, grooming her and talking to her just like a little girl who would play and talk with her doll and wouldn’t care if the doll couldn’t talk… With each passing day, unknowingly though, she fell in love with this gift she received from above and began cherishing it with all that she could. The gift was meant to be a bridge that would connect many aching souls to her own.
Silencing every sob, hiding every sorrow under a smile, ignoring every question, blame & criticism, overlooking every eye that stared, she carried and cared for the baby she had. Neither with the hope to have their sympathy nor with the belief of gaining their approval, she appeared to the world just the way she was, with a determination to love her child and accept the way she was destined to be. At the same time she asked a question to her own soul, “Didn’t God accept me as imperfect as I was?” So I will accept and love my child just the way she was given to me. The world may see only her deformed frame, but I will only look at her beautiful heart.